Whassup, my name is Lemuel Swisher. I never been a writer before but my uncle said it’s easy so I guess I’ll give it a try since I finally got expelled from hebrew school last month. Anyway my uncle who owns this website told me that he is getting all this pressure to boost black voices and shit so since I’m the only black dude he knows he called me and offered me this job. On the real though, I don’t even know what that means. Black voices? Only thing I know about black voices is they be TOO LOUD at the movie theater.
One time I went to this black movie theater and right in the middle of the part in The Ring where the girl with the greasy hair jumps out the well, this bitch came in and yelled “EY ERRYBODY WE GOIN TA CEE CEE’S HOUSE AFTA DA MOOBIE!” Really ruined the vibe of the movie and I’m pretty sure this bitch Sarah from yeshiva was about to touch my penis over the pants and then after that bitch yelled, she didn’t end up doing it. Anyway up until now that’s all I knew about black voices is they are too loud.
I told my uncle that maybe I’m not the one for this job because my dad was the only black guy I ever met and he left right before my bar mitzvah. Well, like 12 years before my bar mitzvah. My uncle tho told me not to stress cuz I am the darkest nigga in the neighborhood. Well, he said “nigger” with a hard r. He’s right about that tho, cuz everyone do be looking at me different. I also listen to a lot of Drake so I think I’ll be alright.
So anyway my role here is going to be giving a black perspective to the news and shit. I’m looking forward to calling people I never met racist in order to elevate my position in life and pretending to be outraged when white niggas do anything to elevate themselves. I can’t wait to wildly change my convictions on subjects such as interracial couples, natural black women hair, government assistance, and whether or not Donald Trump is a “real ass nigga.”
Anyway I gotta go, it’s the 5th night of hannukah and I’m trynta see if my mom was able to get the new jordans or not cuz if she didn’t I’m finna trans out and slap that bitch. Just kidding I can’t fuck up my meal ticket like that but fr she better have gotten them.