Due to the recent Data Leak on the Dark Web, I have been forced to leave my home in the Shenzen Province.
This is due to Vladmir Putin (Pitler) and his triumph in Ukraine, I am sure of it.
I spent all day packing all my shit cause I’m moving again (also Lmao that people actually thought I live in NYC). Anyways, because I’m a 145 IQ Tetrismaxxing genius, I managed to shove most of a 1br apartment into my fucking 4.5 foot tall sports sedan (total aside but I fucking hate my Tesla & am looking to trade it + some cash for a Rivian R1T or an electric F-150; fuck this homosexual bugpod idk if any of the techbros on here somehow have access to an electric pickup but if you do message me). But there was this one problem. This one bookcase I couldn’t disassemble enough to fit into my car, or the USPS’s gay ass (((XL))) boxes to ship off from the post office. I even drove to Lowe’s to see if they had a cardboard box big enough to fix the large parts of the bookcase I could disassemble. No dice. I could’ve shipped it without a box in just wrap; but that just would’ve been retarded. It would’ve broken for sure. I could’ve used a moving company, but that would’ve been more expensive than the price of the shitty Chinese IKEA bookcase in the first place. I could have tried and sold it before leaving, but I’m a lazy monkey. So after a few hours of fucking around trying to deal with this, I get a little fucking MIFFED. I’m running the numbers and figuring out that if each hour of my time spent on this bullshit is worth what my salary is, then I’ve spent more time trying to pack up this worthless Chinese garbage than it’s actually worth. So I say, fuck it. I take a short break from packing, and I end up drinking a full bottle of wine and smoking a little weed. Anyways, one thing leads to another and I’m on a Discord call with my buddy who’s basically catatonic from exhaustion & about to pass out, and I tell him, fuck it dude, I’m just gonna shove this cheap ass worthless fucking thing out of my bedroom window onto the roof and let it slide onto the backyard. He tries to tell me I’m too drunk for this, but it’s too late. See, I’m a visionary. And so I very easily deduced that the value of the bookcase is clearly worth less than my potential experience of watching it drop from my bedroom window onto the backyard pavement. From that moment on, there was no hesitation. I was no longer making decisions with my mind; simply willing my body into actions that were already mentally fated. I opened the window, took out the window screen, and shoved the bookcase straight through. It all happened so quickly. I just let it go, and poof, it was gone. It rolled off the lower roof & then went splat onto the pavement. It shattered into 15 pieces. It was beautiful. It felt like that Office Space printer scene, but even more cathartic. I was cackling into the air as I carried each piece into the house, to be arranged for disposal. The last time I felt this truly alive was that one time I chemically drowned a cockroach in Raid for 15 seconds straight before I built a paper towel boat for it, put its Raid-drenched corpse in it, and gave it a Viking sendoff by burning the boat. It was an experience well and truly worth the price of entry. I have a video of course, but I have to ask my editor buddy to wash out all the footage of my face in window reflections and whatnot. Truly it was a beautiful experience & I wish to share with you all. Anyways writing all this out has sobered me up enough for me to get up and finish tossing all the broken pieces of this thing in the trash. Gotta go ttyl